The worst kind of identity crises (I just decided) are those that you don’t see coming. My unexpected mind-melt hit five days before my wedding. Everything — the mason jars, the food, the flowers, the dress, the guest gifts — were organized and ready to go. And, intellectually, I felt more than prepared to say “I do.” Nevertheless, one minute I was ordering McDonald's and the next minute I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I reflected on the last four-years of my life. My boys were sitting in their car seats playing quietly on their Nintendo DS when all the sudden, they stopped playing and stared at me with bewildered looks in their eyes wondering why their mommy was loosing it in the McDonald's drive-thru line.
What I struggled to explain, because I could barely understand myself, was that I felt ready to be married, but suddenly felt very unprepared to give up being a single-mom. Sharing my life with another person would permanently change me, and it would permanently change things between me and my sons. Identity. Crash.
My life isn’t glamorous, but I was very proud of being a single mom, and I valued the lessons this stage of life taught me despite the myriad challenges. It taught me a lot about myself: strengths and weaknesses, it justified the bags under my eyes, and it taught me strength and perseverance. It proved to me that there was a lot I could do that I would've never before thought I could have. My identity as a single-mother not only made me stronger, but it also connected me to my sons in a special way, and our life together was connected with an untouchable bond.
Whenever I meet a mom with a 2 year old, I can’t believe I was a single mom with a child that size in my arms and 5 year old by my side. Looking back on the last 4 years, I know they were factually, objectively difficult, but that’s not what I remember. Instead, the memories of single-motherhood feel like cozy blankets because our first place was small and we were always snuggled up together. The memories smell sweet, like the cookies we often made together at night. And they are filled with the sounds of music, which usually consist of Disney movie songs that the boys couldn’t get enough of and were always stuck in my head. The three of us faced life together as a team.
Marrying the love of my life in a week, meant that the era of just my sons and I, was coming to an end. Adding members to our team might make us stronger — no, it undeniably would make our life stronger, better, fuller in all ways — but it is a difference that made me feel off balance and unsure of myself in a way I didn’t expect or see coming.
My sons and I will always find ways to be a team as I change into a wife and they grow into a young men; but my journey through life as a single mom is one that has forever changed me, made me stronger and bonded me to my boys in a way I never thought possible. Being a single mom used to be my identity, but thankfully identities change and evolve over time and I am excited to start growing and taking on this new identity as mom, step-mom, and wife.
